I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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