Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
