I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
