My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
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As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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