i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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