I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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