i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
