Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
