I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
