i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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