I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
