literally had 100 drinks last night.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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