I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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