Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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