My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
