im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
