She is in my trunk
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You are a genius and a whore.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
