Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
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