just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
