he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
