I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
