its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
