Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
