people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
