i just wanna soil my oats bro
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
i need some magic done to my vagina
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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