You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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