The maid of honor just puked.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
