I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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