He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
