sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
