how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
