So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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