oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
