Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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