ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
