I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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