i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize
