The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
