Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
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i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
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They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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