Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
