why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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