So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
