It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My vagina is officially offended.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
