y did u give ur computer a hand job?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
