Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
