6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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