no, he came in my armpit
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
