We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
