Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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