If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
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Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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