I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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