Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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