I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
