I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
