I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
