well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
